Growth

Every week, we pick a word.

This week, I actually let my son pick the word. He is thirteen and he’s a lead in The Adams Family musical. After the final performance I asked him, “What word would you use to describe this whole experience?”

And he said, “Growth.”

I know. Aw.

So I asked him, “How do you know you’re growing?”

And he said, in his cracking 13 year old voice, “I feel more comfortable in my own skin.”

He went on, “In the scenes I’m in, I know what to prioritize and what to emphasize.”

And isn’t that growth?

You can think about your own life as the scene you’re in right now. In the relationship you’re in. In the work you’re doing. In the family system you’re part of. In the stage of parenting or aging or recovery or building you’re in.

Do you know what to prioritize?

Do you know what to emphasize?

Then he said, “I know when to follow the script and when to improvise.”

That’s growth too.

Because early on, we think growth means following the rules. Doing it right, or knowing the lines, or standing in the place. But then, at some point, we grow into something more nuanced. We know when the script matters, and when to go rogue.

And then finally, my son said, “I know when I’m not supposed to be the star.”

You need to know when to step up, belt it out, and when to be a supporting role. 

That is growth for a thirteen-year-old. And honestly, that is growth for all of us.

To become more comfortable in your own skin. To know what to emphasize. To know when to follow the script and when to improvise. To know when it is your moment to shine or step back, that is growth

The Symbol of Growth

I often look up the Chinese character for the word of the week because the characters are so visual and beautiful. One character connected to growth and life is 生, pronounced shēng. It means life, birth, to grow, to bring forth. The older image is something like a sprout emerging through the ground. A little shoot coming up through the soil. 

That feels right to me.

Growth is something tender pushing through a bit of ground. It is something alive moving through layers. It is emergence.

The Psychology of Growth

The developmental psychologist Erik Erikson described growth across the whole lifespan, and in the later stages he talked about the movement between generativity and stagnation. Am I stuck, or am I creating? Am I only maintaining my life, or am I giving something forward? Later, he described the movement between integrity and despair. Can I look back on my life with some sense of wholeness, or am I caught in regret? 

Robert Kegan, a Harvard developmental psychologist, wrote about adult development as the evolution of how we make meaning. We develop from being shaped by impulses, to being shaped by rules, to being shaped by belonging and what other people think, to becoming more self-authoring. That self-authoring mind is important. It’s the part of you that says, “This is what I stand for. This is what matters to me. This is the life I am choosing.”

Kegan’s model included a final step that he said few of us reach: self-transformation.

This is when we move beyond just “my life, my goals, my identity, my way.” We begin to see that we are part of something larger. The play is not just about us. The scene is not just about whether we shine. We are in relationship with other people, with our bodies, with the earth, with systems, with mystery.

That’s the kind of growth we are working on here.

Growth Is Not a Ladder

Older models of psychology are hierarchical, you move up a ladder of transformation. The way I see growth in my practice is much more circular, or even a spiral as I draw in Wise Effort..

We move in and out of authenticity, harmony, flexibility, and focus. We lose ourselves and find ourselves. We fall up and grow down (As Shel Silverstein writes). We become more ourselves, and then we loosen our grip on ourselves. We learn the script, and then we improvise. We take the lead, and then we learn when not to be the star.

This Week’s Practice

This week, work with the word growth.

Not as becoming some better or as climbing a ladder, but rather, growth as emergence.

Ask yourself:

Where is life asking me to grow right now?

What do I need to prioritize?

What should I emphasize?

Where should I keep to the script? Where should I improvise?

When should I step back and let someone else be the star?

That is growth.