Retreat
Last night while watching World Cup soccer, I asked my 13 year old son why he thinks we go on retreat. We’ve been attending the a family retreat at a monastery in France since he was 8. Yes, I take my kids to a monastery to meditate every summer!
He said, “The first time you go, you go to learn.”
“After that, you go to remember.”
That is exactly it.
I chose the word retreat this week because I see retreat as an essential part of our physical, emotional and spiritual hygiene–we need to step back to remember who we are and what matters.
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Retreat Is a Return
The word retreat comes from the Old French retrait, meaning “to draw back” or “withdraw.” In military contexts, it referred to soldiers pulling back from battle, often to regroup and determine how best to move forward.
We may not be standing on a battlefield, but internally it can feel like we are constantly responding to little battles: text messages, emails, our own mind.
A retreat can help you step back from the battle of daily living. It gives your body and mind enough space to settle, your habits enough interruption to shift, and your mind enough silence to reveal what has been there all along.
The Layers of Deepening on Retreat
I go on 4 retreats every year, usually seasonally, and I lead retreats internationally. After years of this practice, I’ve discovered there is a reliable pattern of deepening that happens.
Physical Restoration
The first thing you will notice is physical–you may sleep more, eat intentionally, are more in touch with your body’s needs, and feel your nervous system settle into a slower rhythm. I never know how truly exhausted I am until I land on retreat. Usually the first few days I am in a daze, dragging my tired body from meditation to naps.
The physical restoration that happens on retreat is long lasting.
For example, Elissa Epel and colleagues randomized participants at Depak Chopra’s retreat center to either a 7 day meditation retreat (meditation, mindful walking, reflection and time in nature or to a 7 day vacation (just rest and enjoy!).
Immediately afterward, both groups showed decreased stress and improvement in well-being. But ten months later, researchers found the retreat goers had significantly more improvement in biological pathways associated with stress, inflammation, immune functioning, and gene expression. What you do in 7 days can have months of impact at the cellular level.
Habit Reset
One layer deeper down, you will notice is your ability to let go of unhelpful habits. Your unwanted habits like your energy drink addiction, eating with your phone, nagging your partner become obvious and exposed. And, they become less appealing. In Buddhism this is called disenchantment. You become disenchanted with patterns that don’t serve you, because there are so many habits that emerge that feel much better, as neuroscientist Dr. Jud Brewer calls them “BBOs-Bigger Better Offers”. When I lead retreats I ask participants to choose one habit to change during our week together. You will find that the shift in context, the nourishment of rest and meditation and nature makes new habit formation much more approachable. Candy doesn't taste as good as that bowl of spiced veggies and tofu, and scrolling on your phone is far less attractive to strolling in silence with a new friend.
Mindfulness
As you get quiet, you will also notice the habits of your mind. Even though you have paused your daily grind, your mind keeps spinning, like a fan after it’s turned off, it takes your mind a while to settle. You may notice your mind generating things to complain about, to worry about and tellingl you what you should be doing other than what you are doing. When you have nowhere else to go, your mind has a lot to say.
With time, you will start to develop mindfulness of the mind. And when you are mindful of your mind, you have more power to choose which mindy thoughts to listen to.
Insight
With time, you will start to develop a deeper insight into where your entrenched patterns come from. This can develop during meditation, journal reflection, or even when you see similar patterns reflected in others. I see clearly on retreat how I tend to overwork as a way of avoiding the vulnerability of connection, or how my striving is just an attempt to cover up a deeper fear of being rejected. Often on retreat, participants confront retreat, core feelings of unworthiness, loneliness. But they they contact these feelings in a different way–with insight and understanding. And with the capacity to see them, their arising, and passing without being consumed by them.
Compassion
At some point, retreat will give you the gift of feeling connected, and the strength to contact difficult feelings in yourself and others with care. Being on retreat makes you more senstive to pain, the world’s sorrows, and your own insecurities, not less. But with this sensitivity you also have the strength to stay with these feelings longer, so that you can transform it. You may start feeling a little compassion inward- seeing how hard you have been pushing yourself. And compassion for others–you may notice how much pain sits underneath another person’s behavior. You may recognize that everyone around you is carrying something.
How To Deepen Your Retreat
A retreat is not created only by booking a beautiful location. It needs conditions. Here is a structure I use when creating my personal retreats and retreats for guests. You can use them to establish your own deepening.
Set an Intention
Identify why you are retreating. What is the lesson you are here to learn or remember?
Your intention helps organize the retreat.
Create a Container
Some spaces feel deeply supportive because they have been used for practice over many years. They are seasoned. Others you need to season with an altar, cushion, and vase of flowers.
Choose a Time Frame
Decide when the retreat begins and when it ends. It could be two hours, a morning, a full day, a weekend, or a week. The boundary matters. Without it, ordinary life tends to leak back in.
Establish a Rhythm
Create a simple routine. You might begin with sitting meditation, then walk, eat breakfast in silence, write, rest, spend time outside, do a period of service, and close with reflection.
Commit to Ritual
Ritual helps the nervous system recognize meaning. You might ring a bell before meditation, bow before entering the room, read a poem, or close the day with metta meditation.
Practice Renunciation
Choose to give up one thing. You may renounce your phone, news, work, alcohol, shopping, driving, talking, or entertainment. You temporarily let go of one thing so you can become more available to something else.
Engage Noble Silence
Silence is one of the most powerful retreat conditions. Set time each day for Noble silence and honor it.
A Retreat Practice for This Week
You do not need seven days. Begin with half a day and choose a morning or afternoon and create a simple container. Put away your phone, set an intention, choose a beginning and ending time, include one period of sitting, one walk, one meal in silence, one act of service, and one period of deep relaxation. And when you are done with the experience, ask yourself
What lesson did I learn and What do I want to remember?
As Thich Nhat Hanh wrote:
The mind can go in a thousand directions, but on this beautiful path, I walk in peace.
The first time you retreat, you may go to learn.
Then you return so you can remember.